Mourning and a Happy Birthday

Mourning and a Happy Birthday

Today is the day my baby was due. The one that surprised us in the fall. And then surprised us again by slipping away from this earth before we got to meet her. My belly never grew. I never felt her move. We didn’t give her a name.

She surprises me still by quietly coming back into my mind. Tugging at my heart. And whispering it’s okay that another little girl has taken up residence where she used to be.

Maybe that’s why she was here. The overwhelming purpose in her brief life—to open my heart to another.

Today is also Todd’s birthday. The layer cake sits on the cooling rack, waiting to be iced and I try to think of words to describe this man who shares my everything. It’s not unlike trying to think of what gift to give him  . . .

I can’t do it. Everybody thinks they know my husband and if they chose which of us was the better half, I know which one they’d choose. Look what he has to live with every day, after all. But I don’t love him because he’s perfect. He’s not. I love everything good about him and I love all the crap, too. Because the crap is what taught us what love truly was.

But right now, today, after this sucky year, I love him for pulling me out of myself when I was slipping off the edge of despair, following the baby into oblivion. I love him for going with me and bringing me back and not letting me go there alone. I’m all right now. And I can be sad today and happy at the same time.

This poem was written before. But it still speaks to the now.

Love Poem

Sometimes we lose each other
In the day to day rush
Of this task-focused life
And I forget to see you.

In the beginning
When it was just you and me
Our life together stretching before us,
I would see in your eyes
Love so deep I couldn’t find the bottom.

When everything was ahead of us we
Took small moments and
Made them into something good.
Working hard at love was not so difficult.

Now small voices clamor and dirty dishes pull on our sleeves.
Joy unspeakable has entered our union
Making it fuller and more whole and

So I have to remind myself
To catch your eye over the tops of little heads.
And see it there again.
Something deep that makes me cling to you fiercely
And find who we are together in the midst of the clutter
Of life.

  • Olivia Stocum
    Posted at 06:48h, 29 May Reply

    Lovely poem, Alison!

  • Alison Treat
    Posted at 21:56h, 29 May Reply

    Thank you, Olivia!

  • Melody Joy King
    Posted at 07:55h, 30 May Reply


  • Alison Treat
    Posted at 08:00h, 30 May Reply

    Thank you, dear.

  • Linda
    Posted at 11:26h, 30 May Reply

    You really have such a way with word, Alison! You take me to where you are in your journeys…it's such a gift!! Thanks for sharing it with me and everyone else privileged to read what flows from your heart! Love to you, Linda Gordon

  • Alison Treat
    Posted at 12:06h, 30 May Reply

    Thanks for reading, Linda. So glad you enjoyed it.

  • Claudia
    Posted at 14:13h, 04 June Reply

    Dear Allison and Todd,

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss today. I know you greive and will continue to grieve however, I hope there is someway that I can help. First, you did have a baby and you should celebrate it because she was a gift from God to you, name her. I know that it hurts but "Our God" heals all hurt and disappointment. There is a book called Empty Arms reading that may be very helpful and also, on You Tube there is a video Born in Silence. Please read and watch. Get into a support group so that you can mourn the loss. Love you and praying for peace and happiness at this time of grief.

    Sincerely, Claudia, Elie and Laila

  • Alison Treat
    Posted at 22:56h, 05 June Reply

    Hi Claudia,
    Thank you for your words of comfort. I am thankful for our baby's brief life and know that it had a purpose. I look forward to seeing her one day. We are really doing fine now, though. The miscarriage was months ago, and while I still think of her from time to time we have done our grieving and look forward to the birth of our new baby girl in September, as this pregnancy is progressing normally. The due date was just a hard day for me. But overall we are well! Thank you for your kind words.

  • A Grief Remembered | Alison Treat
    Posted at 06:01h, 11 October Reply

    […] It was still a loss, though. It shredded me. We grieved. […]

Post A Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.